I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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