I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
