To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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