Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
this beer tastes like vomit already
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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