two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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