Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
