he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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