I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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