Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
