Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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