just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize