I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
i drank out of a bidet.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
