Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
