Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
