Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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