You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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