i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
