She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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