My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
