you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
