Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
