you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just gargled with NyQuil
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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