i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
