Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
