woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize