oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
