from now on my penis is your penis
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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