every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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