Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
