she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I AM VODKA MAN
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
