Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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