I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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