Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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