I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
