so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
