I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
