Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
