I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
this just has baby written all over it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Randomize
