I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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