this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Just high enough for therapy.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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