Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
