hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Pants are for mortals
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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