I CAN MOONWALK!
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
