I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
porn star boner night. come get it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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