dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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