it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
