First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
