We got so high we made milksteak
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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