that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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