I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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