mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
