Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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