Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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