yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Someone signed my nipple.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
