i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
