I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
