Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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