You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
