do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize