there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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