Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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