he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
