I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
