I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
