Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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