My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I've blown a few things in my day
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
