True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
smell my finger.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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