is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
